hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
