Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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