I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
