What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
