i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
