So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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