Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
