she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
