I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
