Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
