my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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