Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
