I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
