if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I love you. Go after that dick
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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