I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
