I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
