did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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