She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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