Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
