at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
