the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
