I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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