WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
