Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
