just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
