What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
