my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
