so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
