Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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