the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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