i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
