She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
