as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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