Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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