i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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