I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
