We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
