Christians are straight up FREAKS
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
