I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
