3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
