apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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