you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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