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i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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