We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
