Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
