I have demons in me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
