your parents love me but you hate me
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
