i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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