My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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