I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She needs sedatives and a leash
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
