mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
